Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
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You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
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I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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