He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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