I got chris browned last night
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
did you just send me my own nude
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
