I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
