the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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