Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
from now on my penis is your penis
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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