How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
