I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
