onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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