So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
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This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
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I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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