Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
