Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
