I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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