Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
