So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He? As in you personified your dick?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
