i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
