it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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