Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
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i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
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He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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