The maid of honor just puked.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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