those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
