Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I think your dad took our porno
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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