you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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