...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
