you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
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Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
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Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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