we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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