My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Everything about him screamed your future.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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