apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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