that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
