I should be sponsored by Trojan
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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