I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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