so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I don't deserve a penis
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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