i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
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I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
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I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.