it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
3 2 1 whiskey
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
