I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
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Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
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My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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