I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
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The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
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There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP