He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT