oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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