Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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