I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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