My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
