Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
