I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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