babies were throwing up all over the place
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
