you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
