Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
