We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
