She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
