Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
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Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
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Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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