I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
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But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
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She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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