You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
