I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
