i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
