My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
