I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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